by Sandra Christensen
Recently while out of town, I took my mother-in-law to her hair appointment. It was in a small town about a square mile in every direction. I dropped her off at the "salon", which was actually a converted house. Intending to go to the public library to use the computer, I inquired of Lucille and the hair dresser for directions to main street. We joked that it would be hard to get lost as it was only a block long and a one way street. Confidently I drove into town to find that the library was not yet open. As I waited I realized that I had been so focused on where I was going and what I wanted to do I had forgot to pay attention to where I had come from...no address or street name only the name of the salon. I laughed at my inattention and thought of what a funny story it would make that I had not gotten lost on the way but I had to ask directions back!!
My visit to the family farm originally began because I went to sit at bedside while my mother-in-law was in the hospital. During my stay, I was involved with many of the immediate family personalities and relational difficulties. Not only experiencing their family relationships, but difficulties in my own souls ability to cope with and function in a family dynamic. I was feeling old coping mechanisms and responses well up from my own family of origin. I was an "outsider" in my husband's family dynamic and yet my historic set of familiar spirits were wanting to stir up an insurrection.
Fear, being a main demonic motivator, wanted to shadow my soul with self importance, and self aggrandizement, thinking of myself higher than I ought to mask and hide insecurities. I found myself often focused on how people were relating to me. I was ready to be offended and to "take offense". In observation of myself I saw that I seldom stepped into others realities to see how they might be thinking, or how my words and actions appeared or might cause them to feel. In my convoluted hopes to be a comforter and a mediator, my soul went on auto-pilot convinced in itself that the best route was not to pay attention to anything but I, me, myself. Although I had set my mind to follow after Spirit, my soul was not waiting or altogether willing to hear or listen to any information Spirit wanted to get to her. Guardedness and selfishness were active demonic spirits who not only wanted to keep others out, they were keeping me limited and imprisoned in a narrow way of thinking. My soul had her pre-concieved notions about the family situations and they were not allowing for any fresh present moment wisdom or love to flow in or out. This awareness was brought into sharp clarity when I stepped into the family business of trying to convince Mom and Dad to leave the farm for town or a more local environment where help could be more readily available. I had over and over prayed not my will but God's be done. I was convinced I would be of no positive effect if I was interpreting throughor allowing old powerless ghost from the past to intercede. In conversation with a sister-in-law I made a comment that brought about a look and a comment from her that jarred me into seeing from her perspective.
God in HIs faithfulness, enlarged my perceptions and love flowed through me, as my spirit took up God's cause. In that gentle nudge of correction self revelation can bring.. the still quiet voice of " move on over now and let Me show you how this is done." I began to be able to really listen and perceive. I saw how I had been busier about the business of looking good, feeling good, being right, and staying in control,than really loving the people. I had hidden agendas of not feeling to much discomfort, only getting involved so far, and protecting myself from the scorn I thought I saw from several of the siblings. I saw how I had drawn a wall around me to keep them out instead of drawing a circle around us and being as one. I saw how we all were scurrying about attempting to get them ( the parents) to do as we saw fit. God dropped into my spirit a "Big Picture" that changes everything. A "God view" allowed me to see what He was seeing while helping me to remove what I was thinking I knew. He re-minded me from whence I had come, and that I no longer live but Spirit inside me does. This is my dying daily to self. His reveal-ation with laser like acuity, blasted through all vestiges of self righteousness and peeled my fingers off the situation enough to help me to see in the light of eternity. I am a vessel put here on this earth to bring forth His glory and His purposes. There really is no other way for me to bring into this world the great and healing love of Christ than to meet the people in my life with all my humanity and sincere real love right where they are at in the present moment. I cannot take any thoughts of my own to determine what is best or right. It is to live in the now, available and listening to and for ,that still quiet voice that says "this is the way walk ye in it".
Love always sees the best, hopes the best, believes the best for and about people. It takes no accounting of wrongs done it. It does not impute trespasses, but offers in this present moment forgiveness, grace, and mercy. Christ came as a need meeter and people lover. My actions should be no less than His, He only did and said those things He heard from His father and saw His father doing. Acting (emphasis on acting instead of Being) in my own strength and power, even though my choice of directions seems right and good and best, I need to remember where I have come from to keep me on the path that He is choosing. God is God and I am not. When I think I understand, I think I can see where I am going, God is obligated to remind me from whence I came...of being blind and unable to see. He wants me totally dependent. By remaining present with Him, wholly dependent I allow my soul and spirit to receive from His spirit. This is the graciousness of God in action... when we get to where we are going, and find out we have been self-deceived, His love and mercy will always give us the right directions back to Him. Our one and true obligation to Him is to trust, believe, and receive that as He is loving us, we will have the power to love those He needs us to reach. Humbled, I continued my stay there with a whole different power and grace. Did everything turn out perfect the way I thought it should be? No, but I do believe it was exactly how God knew it could and would be. Did I allow His power to express and effect the changes that were needed? Not wholly, but the little bits and pieces I was able to allow Him to deliver through me were seed. I am practicing His presence in me.
We are all on this journey called Life, and no two are ever the same. This one thing I know that the same grace and mercy He extended to me is the same as it is for all humanity... that He would not have one man lost. He is patiently waiting and weaving each individual soul and spirit to that perfect fork in the road where we all will be shown, from where we have come to where we now need to choose to be. This is how Christ will be formed perfectly in me.
|
