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I was born the first time in
August of 1962. Although my family lived in Mahtomedi, I was delivered
the first time in the Midway hospital of Saint Paul. At eighteen months
old I was diagnosed with Spinal Meningitis. Treatment in those days was
gruesome and one out of three treated died. Although I survived, the
disease left its marks on me. I was angry and a hyperactive child who
did not trust or need any one. An example of this was as a toddler I
crawled into a Rose bush and struggled and got mad until I was so
wrapped up in thorns that I could not move. Not only did I have to get
cut out but I did not cry, I was a little tough guy.
As
I grew up a problem child I had many experiences that left me feeling
unloved and deeply hurt. My parents got divorced at an early age and I
thought they did not want me. I ounce had a caregiver who would lock us
outside in the early morning leaving us cold and to fend for ourselves.
My Grandparents on my father’s side only wanted to take my older
brother and not me, I was into everything!
Around
the time I entered kinder garden my mom remarried and we moved into a
house in Minneapolis. I was still angry and immature so I had to go to
kinder garden twice. This was a constant embarrassment and caused me
much shame; to top it off I sucked my thumb.
By
third grade I had some massive sexual addictions. I had discovered sex
by watching my next-door neighbors engage in everything conceivable. It
turns out as I lay in my bed at night with the lights out I could see
most of the duplex next to ours as if I were in the room with them.
This led to me abusing myself frequently and I was always on the look
out for girlie magazines. I had built up a large collection by digging
though the trashcans in our alleys and I would sneak away and spend
hours looking at them. It was around this time that an older boy asked
me to prostitute myself to him. At first I said no but the older boy
was persistent and made it sound like no big deal. So I thought why
not? Anyhow this went on for a while but he kept asking me to do more
and more degrading things. And while I really liked having my own money
there were some things I would not do. At this point I broke off all
sexual relations with him and vowed to never speak of this with anyone
ever again. The damage however was already done; I was confused and
angry and still had my own sexual abuses going on. In addition to this
I did not know if this made me Gay and I was totally stressed out about
that. After having some close calls with me almost abusing some other
children I came to realize I was not safe to be alone with young girls.
I was able to recognize this as being a problem and steered clear of
these situations. I felt as if I could lose control and hurt some one
even as I was hurt. What a weight I had on my young shoulders, I became
solitary and a loner and my favorite saying was “I just don’t care”!
As I grew up I became addicted to many
things such as gambling and smoking and drugs. I had many girl friends
yet I could not seem to get to close with anyone. I had many friends
but not even one really knew all the things going on in my life. As I
said I was a loner who had a healthy respect for the potential harm I
could do if some of my lusts were realized. Also I knew how to hide my
addictions so that unless I wanted you to know, you would have no clue.
I paid a huge price with this because on the outside all seemed normal
but inside I was beyond being a mess. I once got a drug counselor to
say I only used causally and I did not have a problem. I smoked pot at
work and at play and I even went so far as to sell it for a few years.
What made me quit selling was not that I stopped using but that I had
bought a three fifty seven silver plated revolver and I was sure
someday I would have to use it. You see where the drugs and money is
there is always the possibility that you could get robed or killed.
What I decided to do was quit selling and start working more jobs. This
worked out all right because now if I needed more money I would just
work more hours. The down side was that the more I smoked and isolated
the more hours I needed to work and the less hope I had. I fed my
sexual addictions with porn and frequent relationships that never
lasted. I fed my need to escape reality with drugs and often described
getting high as taking a vacation with out leaving the farm. I was
always playing poker trying to supplement my income and as a
consequence ended up broke and behind on my bills all to often. Life as
I knew it was hard and I was afraid of who I was.
Then
on the night of October 21 1996 some friends invited me to a prayer
meeting at a Holiday Inn. I thought I knew God and that he gave us a
set of rules that we were to follow. I had a Methodist Minister for my
grandparent on my mother’s side and as a child I had spent many a
Sunday in church watching grandpa preach. And besides I was a nice guy,
everyone told me so. As soon as I got to this meeting it was apparent
things were different here. No sooner than we got done doing some
singing when the lead man looked at me and said he had been waiting 18
years for me. At first I thought what is he talking about? Then I
thought I am not afraid of this man or his God. So he asked me to come
forward and I thought yeah so what, I do not care. At the same time I
knew I had to go forward and meet this challenge head on. What happened
next changed everything and I only remember asking Jesus to be my Lord
and savior and the spirit of truth hit me so hard I was on the floor
and not fully aware of my surroundings for some time. When I came to my
senses I had people I did not know speaking words over me that no one
should have known. I knew that I had been in the presence of God and
that I now belonged to him.
That was my new birthday and I
was delivered to God though this mighty man of God and the Holy Spirit.
No longer could I go on living only for myself. No longer could I
continue to self-destruct. On that night I was born into the family of
God and my life was no longer mine to destroy as I saw fit.
I
gave my life to Christ that night not even knowing what that meant. All
I knew for sure was that I had seen first hand the power of God and I
was convinced that he was what I needed in my life. It was the most
intense Love my mind could even fathom and I finally had an answer to
what I was here for. The process of deliverance and sanctification is
still ongoing, but now I have Hope and a future. I have peace and a
relationship with the most high God. My faith has increased daily sense
that day and my life is now focused on serving Jesus Christ and my
fellow brethren rather than myself. I am not perfect by any means, yet
I see how truly good life is while following Jesus Christ and only
doing that which I see my father in heaven doing.
It
is my deepest Blessing to be placed by God in” His Present Glory”, to
be fitly framed and plugged into Gods people who love and honor one
another as the Bible commands and Worship the Lord in Spirit and Truth.
I thank you God!
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