|
|
|
Teaching -
Word Of The Week
|
|
Written by Sandra Christensen
|
|
Sunday, 05 July 2009 17:01 |
|
Over the course of years, I have been engaged in a struggle and process to overcome life damaging issues. The daily practicing of knowing God's presence in me has brought to the surface many indewelling issues that alert me to the sin sickness of my own soul. I have begun to unfold a mystery as to why I could want to change, make efforts to change even experience good change only to fall back into the same habits and snares again.
I have come to recognize these three things;
A) I hold to, and have allowed, barriers that keep me from experiencing the love of God
B) These barriers not only keep God from getting love out to me but also from getting His love out through me.
C) That if I am willing to let Him do a searching inventory of my life I will be set free to experience genuine love and be free to whole heartedly love others
{mospagebreak title=I am willing to accept responsibility}
I am finally willing to accept responsibility and give up my "rights".....
This willingness came after many years of seeking to "manage" life in my own strength and understandings. Primarily I white knuckled it through every day, failing miserably. I was believing that as a Christian, I was entitled to be happy, comfortable, and undisturbed. I exhausted myself and others in striving for a false contentment. I wanted to look good , feel good and be right. I contended with and for what I perceived was just and right rather than submitting to God and His will for my life. I was barely managing to survive.
At 44, thirteen years after accepting Christ, I was broken and empty. I was desperately ready to relinquish my will. My idea of who God is, and what His purpose is for my life, was gravely out of focus. I was literally dying in trying to live my way, not dying to self so that He might live in me. I didn't know it, but I was finally at the brink of coming into the knowledge that the faith I had been given was not given so that I be able to live for what I thought, what I felt , what I wanted. In my journal entry for April 16,2006, I described myself as a piece of rubbish emptied,crushed and kicked to the curb, a good for absolutely nothing, depraved degenerate of a human being. I had seriously come to the end of myself . If I did not give up my rights , they were going to be taken from me.
As I entered into Pastoral counseling, a new understanding was began to be revealed to me, a new clarity of the fact that His Son bought me at great cost to Himself, and for one specific reason. Jesus died so that I could and would live to be a human vessel containing His loving presence for others. The mission for me now would beto begin to grow up in this revelation and willingly take part in the responsibilities to Christ/the annointing in me. I willingly would have to give God my serious and humble attention.
{mospagebreak title=Barriers to God's Love}
I discovered many barriers that keep God's love from getting through...
One of the first things God quickened in me was my inability to receive His pure love. An awareness of Christ's spirit in me began to spark, and just as I had purposed myself to attaining my selfish desires, I begane to purpose to consistantly throughout the day, refer to Him asking and seeking what it was my Father was wanting to do, and like His child, practicing Christ's principle of only doing those things He saw and heard His father doing.
I intentionally had to practice allowing God to be the lover of my soul, allowing Him to search my inner-most self , shining a light into the deepest darkest caverns of my soul, knowing that His great love for me would not give me more to handle than I could bear. I had to let Him speak His words to me and through me. I hade to let His Word be the thoughts I hear. I let Him speak truth to my soul, let His word be the determining factor in my life. I have to let myself go where He wanted to go, do what He wanted to do. I got into agreement with Spirit and began to insist to my soul that the same Spirit that was in Christ now dwells in me, and I, spirit man would now persistantly, listen and obey. As days pass, I was more and more able to lovingly obey letting Spirit lead the way. I began to allow my spirit to minister love and peace and reconcilliation with past and present situations and transgressions. I could forgive because I began to know I was a new creation and old things now would have to be dealt with and put away. Grace was a salve to my soul. It was as though a new parent had moved into my bodily house, and love was being given where before only condemnation and legalism had ruled. The daily peace of this practice was wonderful and extremely delightful, yet frustratingly inconsistent!
{mospagebreak title=Working out my own Salavation}
Working out my own salvation.......
Allowing my soul to be freed from sin sickness by bringing to it God's salvation was and is a journey and progression. For me, hindrances and barriers would pop up in many different day to day interactions. I have experienced conflict with my own self, family, friends, at work, and in social situations. I could be focused in spirit, being present with God in the moment, and the next drawn off course acting out old behaviors that were totally out of line with being dead to self and alive to Christ in me. I sometimes felt propelled like someone had a hand at my back. Or I would be compelled by some foreign being taking over myself, making me do and say things I knew were not of God's nature or of my conscious choosing. It was like having an out of body experience, seeing and knowing that the person acting that way is myself, but not seeming to have any power to control it. If the world had got ahold of that thought , surely I would have been locked up and medicated!! I was so glad to have a pastor and the Holy Spirit as my counselors!
18 For I know that in me (that is, in my flesh,) dwelleth no good thing: for to will is present with me; but how to perform that which is good I find not.19 For the good that I would I do not: but the evil which I would not, that I do.
KJV
{mospagebreak title= Recognizing my own inability}
Recognizing my own inability.........
I at times had to force myself to keep looking and dealing with issues. I had to determine to choose to learn where and what was hindering God's pure presence from a continuous flow through me. For many years I ignored my faults and just accepted them as " the way God made me" In ignorance,I allowed obnoxious and overbearing superiority, hystrionics, manipulation, insecurities, bitterness, resentment and drama to control and deflect people and situations and when all else failed I resorted to alcohol. The truth was I was out of control, with no idea of who I was or what I was doing to my husband, children, and immediate family, nor did I have any healthy sustained friendships, they came and went like the wind. I basically wore people out with my intensity. By the grace of God I began to recognize my own inability. I was impressed by the reality I must begin to rely on God's ability to do what He said He would do. That the only way out of my misery was going back through life issues with Him. I would be saved healed and delivered of all my sickness and dis-ease.
My efforts were to trust and believe by faith. My focus and sensitivity had to be spiritual. I present mindedly had to be aware of staying in the peace of God's will. Sometimes I could be a pendulum swinging, able in moments to flow with and for God... and totally seized up in others. The relief I experienced in the temporal peace made me hungrily willing to look at the behaviors and belief systems I held that were hindering the full expression of God through me. I wanted to be so in Him I could not be tempted to come out!! I wanted to be so content and wrapped up in doing His will that I would not stumble and stay down when I did or said anything out of character, or that seemingly discredited His work in me. I learned how to quickly repent and keep moving keeping focused on Him.
12 Wherefore, my beloved, as ye have always obeyed, not as in my presence only, but now much more in my absence, work out your own salvation with fear and trembling. 13 For it is God which worketh in you both to will and to do of his good pleasure
KJV
{mospagebreak title=A Power Greater Than Me}
I came to believe that a power greater than me could and would restore me...
An area of concern that hindered my intimacy with God were my thoughts and motivation of heart. He showed me how, after decades of abusing my own soul, my heart had become a stone, a rock of offence, a barrier of hurts that no man could breech. I was desperately in need of a spiritual healing. I had mustard seed faith, it was time for the seed that had been planted to grow.
My mind was deceived by the thoughts, perceptions and beliefs I had acquired over the 30 some years prior to my salvation. With my salvation, I added many more misbegotten or misunderstood religious ideas and practices. I held the law over myself and others, not really understanding grace. My soul was had hardened to allow a desolate few emotions; anger, bitterness and resentment, and self pity. I was suspicious and accusatory. I blamed every one else for my pain. "If others hadn't of hurt me", or "if they would just change" or "get out of the way" I would be doing fine. My attitude was trust no one and do whatever you have to, just survive.
I felt strongly, the hollow echo of my soul crying out for deeper satisfaction. I had tried to satisfy these longings with various worldly things. I had exhausted myself indulging in surface friendships, physical relations, drugs, food, money, alcohol, even suicide as a curative for the never ending torment of emptiness. I was always wanting some-thing that would be soothing to my soul, a resting place where I would know complete fulfillment and contentment.
I am convinced now that I took on Christ as a means to this end. Truly when I had asked the Lord into my heart I had no clue of what I was doing. At the time it just seemed the next best option as I had spent years in and out of treatments, counselors, institutions, and organizations and none of them had procurred the long term stability I so desperately needed. I did not realize the cost my decision for Christ would exact. My decision, I now saw, would cost me everything....I would have to give up my life as I knew it to be ressurected into His likeness. It took me a long while to realize the decision for Christ was not of my choosing but that He had chosen me!! I began to believe a power greater than self wanted to restore me to the sanity I had been created with. My Father's goal was to make me just like Him.
16 Ye have not chosen me, but I have chosen you, and ordained you, that ye should go and bring forth fruit, and that your fruit should remain: that whatsoever ye shall ask of the Father in my name, he may give it you.
KJV
Ps 139:13-17
13 For You formed my inward parts;
You covered me in my mother's womb.
14 I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made;Marvelous are Your works,
And that my soul knows very well.
15 My frame was not hidden from You,
When I was made in secret,
And skillfully wrought in the lowest parts of the earth.
16 Your eyes saw my substance, being yet unformed.
And in Your book they all were written,
The days fashioned for me, When as yet there were none of them. 17 How precious also are Your thoughts to me, O God!
{mospagebreak title=Right Living Does Not Make One Righteous}
Right living does not make righteous....
For many years after salvation I lived trying to " put on Christ." I imagine myself then as a sticky note Christian, read it, confess it, wear it. It never got through to my heart therefore I only expeienced temporal relief. My Spirit was so bound by the strongholds in my soul that it took years of God's relentless kneeding of love, forgiveness and chastening to even get me pliable to work with.
Almost from salvation, I was baptized in the Spirit. I took part in church activities and responsibilities. I held bible studies in my home. I maintained some semblance of " good Christian behavior." I was able to know in part, but always seemed to end up on the begging side, pleading "I can't do this anymore, just leave me alone." I had not yet experienced, come to know,or understand my access to the power that was in me. I was blinded. Not being able to see how selfish beliefs of " I can do it" and selfish motivations " If I do a,b,c, I will get this..." hindered God from fully indwelling me. I was growing in misery, not in strength and power.
I tolerated depression, oppression, anxiety and the miserable feeling that somehow I was just not measuring up to His impossible standards.. I was always trying to " become" who God would like me to be. If I could or would just do the next right thing I would arrive. I would rise above my carnality and worldliness and somehow get all the blessings He had promised. I had the foolish and misbegotten idea that in my own strength and power I was able to maintain and grow my faith " make myself" righteous. I did not see my true motivations were trying to manipulate God and use His Word to achieve the satisfaction I craved. My faith was based on what God could do for me - not on the worshiping of Him in spirit and in truth and being His bride. I acknowledged Him but stood face turned away, giving Him my back.
In our quiet moments together God helped me begin to see and to dispose of the self righteous attitudes I had formed. I could feel He had slowly and quite painfully, begun to turn me to face Him...
Eph 4:17-27 
17 This I say therefore, and testify in the Lord, that ye henceforth walk not as other Gentiles walk, in the vanity of their mind,
18 Having the understanding darkened, being alienated from the life of God through the ignorance that is in them, because of the blindness of their heart: 19 Who being past feeling have given themselves over unto lasciviousness, to work all uncleanness with greediness.
20 But ye have not so learned Christ;
21 If so be that ye have heard him, and have been taught by him, as the truth is in Jesus:
22 That ye put off concerning the former conversation the old man, which is corrupt according to the deceitful lusts;
23 And be renewed in the spirit of your mind;
Isaiah 64:6
6 But we are all as an unclean thing, and all our righteousnesses are as filthy rags; and we all do fade as a leaf; and our iniquities, like the wind, have taken us away.
KJV
{mospagebreak title=Every thought I have is not my own}
Every though I have is not my own.......
In looking at my hardness of heart God and I intimately began to delve into what beliefs I was listening to. Life became a reconnaissance mission. I was to " drop in" on my thoughts throughout the day and listen to the thoughts I was allowing to rule me. So many of my thoughts were not the truth, certainly did not line up with who God was telling me I was. I was His beloved bride, His child, His friend, His dwelling place here on this earth, and I was allowing my soul to be fed rubbish.
"Your sooo stupid...Why don't you just shut your big mouth...nobody really gives a flip about you anyway so why bother...? " I hate you I hate you I hate you"..Not only were there negatives about myself but others too. " He doesn't really love you, just thinks your convenient to raise his children and keep his house." He'll never change he's always been this way he will never love you, enough to make a change." "The kids are going to fail and it will all be YOUR fault, what made you think you could ever be a good mother? what a joke! You might as well check out now so you won't have to hear their blaming you ten years from now."
{mospagebreak title=I have to Know Who I Am}
I have to know who I am in order to take a stand...
God faithfully and importantly, began to teach me to know that the personas and verbal exchanges that I was hearing and being motivated by, were not me. Stubborn dark spirits, who had acted as tyrant masters, imposed themselves in my thoughts, speaking to me words of doubt, accusation, guilt and shame, provoking me to fear. Satan and his cohorts were daily trying to steal my peace, kill my love, and destroy any joy or fulfillment in my relationship with God and others. Lying voices were trying to disarm me of my faith to believe. If they could distract me, which at this point was most often, I would almost instantly abandon all confidence in the One who was living inside me. I would become convinced of their lies and cons and choose to act in self defense. Self-defense would interrupt any Godly com-munion and give the devil full access to me. Allowing these errors in thinking would create feelings, and inevitably those feelings would be followed by actions, and those actions always had consequences that would start another whole cycle of gulit and condemnation. I would spiral me off of God for days and even weeks at a time.
Through practice I became alert to these spirits voices. I learned to identify what spirit was behind what thoughts, and how to take them captive by holding them up to the light and truth of the Word. I learned to know and discern their voices and characteristics. The more I practiced, the more quickly I was able to halt them.I was very much aware of my body and temple, and I could know and feel the intesity my Spirit man when He was in charge.
I also came to be able to literally feel some of the antichrist features displaying themselves under my flesh. A facial stiffness or tightness in my neck. Sometimes an eye twitching, or blurred vision. I could hear the tone of my voice change, or the rate of my speech would intensify... these all were signals that my mind and belief system were being infiltrated.
Much like computer spywear, I had to scan my thoughts, words and actions for spam and viruses! This tactical advance forced my enemies to their knees, and they had to leave. With kingdom understanding and knowledge of spiritual activity, I am still today, and every day more increasingly, able to withstand much of their attack. I am consistanly knowing who I am, and am persistant about Whom I will serve. I am convinced that we do not wrestle with flesh or with blood but with powers and principalites. I put on Christ daily, I am re-newed and re-minded so I am able to re-sist.
17 No weapon that is formed against thee shall prosper; and every tongue that shall rise against thee in judgment thou shalt condemn. This is the heritage of the servants of the LORD, and their righteousness is of me, saith the LORD.
KJV
10 Finally, my brethren, be strong in the Lord, and in the power of his might.
11 Put on the whole armour of God, that ye may be able to stand against the wiles of the devil.12 For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places13 Wherefore take unto you the whole armour of God, that ye may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand
Eph 4:23-27
23 And be renewed in the spirit of your mind;
24 And that ye put on the new man, which after God is created in righteousness and true holiness.
25 Wherefore putting away lying, speak every man truth with his neighbour: for we are members one of another.
26 Be ye angry, and sin not: let not the sun go down upon your wrath:
27 Neither give place to the devil.
KJV
{mospagebreak title=Progress not perfection}
Progress not perfection....
So as not to be disheartened when you begin your own investigations of your soul, I want you to know, I found absolutely everywhere in my thought life, nests and gangs of demon bullys that guarded and blocked truth from rising up and out of my spirit.
If you think of how you might as a master jewler, have to remove the outer layer of a beautiful gem in order to see the light in the stone and how best to develop and hone it to show its greatest attributes, that is what this journey was. But from the inside out.
Demonic spirits are sneaks and snakes in the grass and they do not reveal themselves willingly They are skilled master's of avoidance, procrastination and willfull ignorance. Many had been using me for years and had even come through historical bloodlines. It was with a fine laser beam Christ in me bore through those enemy defenses. The more the break throughs came the more my understanding and trust grew. The more my trust grew, the more easily I was able to cooperate with what the Lord was doing. Who He was developing me to be, and the proof that finally I was being able to love myself and others, gave me the confidence of knowing that our relationship was rooted and grounded in love. Knowing that nothing can ever separate me from that love makes me zealous to allow Him full access to my at all times.
Throughout these past years and even now, there was and is every opportunity to become overwhelmed and want to hide from it all. But it was with loving hands God began to craft a new image in me, He began to show me how to let the Holy Spirit, the lover of my soul, minister grace and peace, and transform my thinking into right mindedness. Together we weeded out all the obvious and ripe tares. As we did, my soul became softer and more supple. I was able to hear God speak to me in loving tones that nourished my soul. Hearing the tone of a loving father made the more difficult, and less obvious issues, a little easier to face and up- root. I knew He was walking with me all the way and would not give me more than I could bear.
Please hear and know, this change did not happen overnight but was a day to day unfolding and developing relationship. Answers and revelations did not always come right away, I believe that God always prepared me for the answer to come because often it was a painful awakening and death to self. God my father, husband, and friend was, and always is, gracious and kind in His healing of souls. I came to trust our intimacy and knew staying "present" and turned towards God, I would remain safe from any fiery dart the devil would throw.
25 Then will I sprinkle clean water upon you, and ye shall be clean: from all your filthiness, and from all your idols, will I cleanse you. 26 A new heart also will I give you, and a new spirit will I put within you: and I will take away the stony heart out of your flesh, and I will give you an heart of flesh. 27 And I will put my spirit within you, and cause you to walk in my statutes, and ye shall keep my judgments, and do them.
KJV
|
|
Comments